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I've been thinking a lot about grace & grief lately.

Not the kind I extend to other people.

The kind I'm learning to extend to myself.

Today is Father's Day.

And if I'm honest, it feels heavy. 

I'm still trying to figure out what grief looks like in my everyday life. Not just in the quiet moments at home, but in the places where people expect me to be the version of myself they've always known.

As a hairstylist, so much of what I do is performative.

Not in a dishonest way.

But I walk into the salon every day ready to create an experience. I smile. I laugh. I carry conversations. I celebrate with people. I pour into them. I make them feel beautiful.

It's part of what I love.

But lately, I've realized that constantly being "on" can make it easy to forget that I'm allowed to have off days too.

If I seem distant, I'm not withdrawing from people.

I'm tending to myself.

If I don't respond immediately, it isn't because I don't care.

It's because I'm learning that caring for everyone else can't come at the expense of caring for myself.

The truth is, grief is changing me.

I don't know if I'll ever be exactly who I was before.

And maybe I'm not supposed to be.

Maybe this season is teaching me that I don't have to perform wellness.

I don't have to force joy just because people are accustomed to seeing me smile.

I don't have to explain every quiet moment.

I can simply honor where I am.

So, if you notice that I'm a little quieter...

If it takes me a little longer to respond...

If I seem a little more reserved than you're used to...

Please know it isn't personal.

It's me learning that before I'm a hairstylist, before I'm a service provider, before I'm anything to anyone else...

I'm a person, and I am navigating grief (while extending myself grace).